This blog is harder to continue than I thought

This blog has become difficult for me, but for a reason I could not foresee. It has actually become tough because people are helpful and my situation is not conducive to some of the help.

I have been posting about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Many people have had good advice and standing by with even better advice based on my situation. People have been so helpful! The problem lies in the fact that I cannot give details about my life on here yet.

You see I have been getting people guessing at my identity. I am sure some are being helpful. They want me to be aware if they can guess who I am then someone who means to out me or feels threatened by me could figure it out. I have not given anyone who has messaged me about my identity any straight answer.

I do not believe I have anything to gain by answering. I really do not want to lie to anyone. I cannot always tell the truth (now or potentially). See if someone has guessed or in the future guesses who I am I could put my family at risk to acknowledge it before my income and plans are in place. If they have guessed or do guess wrong and I say “No, you are wrong” they then know who I am not and have more information about me. If someone continues to guess and eventually guess right at some point and I say “I cannot tell you who I am” it would be pretty apparent they got it right. That is especially true if one person sent several guesses my way and I confirmed they were wrong each time.

So the difficulty for me that I did not foresee is this: I started this as a way for me to start my journey out and have a place to be honest about my feelings and situation, but I find I still cannot be totally honest. It is very tough when someone asks a question in response to one of my posts where I ask for input. I ask for help and people want more details about the situation so they can give me a better answer, and I cannot give them all the details. So, I don’t get a full and complete answer. Also, people must be a bit frustrated when they want to help and cannot because I won’t answer them properly.

I could not expect such an internal conflict about being honest and anonymous at the same time. I am actually neither totally honest or totally anonymous I guess. I would have thought living closeted would have prepared me for this, but it has not fully. It it easier to be in the closet when I know the people I am not telling will be hurt by it or potentially hurt me (emotionally, verbally, and/or physically) because of my change. It is difficult to be somewhat hidden with people who are helpful and potentially friends and long term support for me and my family.

So, I will ask for you to be understanding if I do not answer you completely. I will certainly try to answer anything I can but I must continue to be very cautious. It is actually very difficult for me to do so.

I feel “dirty” and this is the place I am suppose to vent about “feeling dirty” in my every day double life.

51 comments

  1. carmen · October 18, 2015

    Disillusionist,

    Your anonymity is your safe spot right now — I think MOST people on this thread can appreciate and accept that. We are glad you are sharing your journey with us. I think it would be understandable if you just didn’t answer some questions – that seems fair to me. (and don’t feel you have to respond to THIS comment!) 🙂

    I am hoping for the very best outcome for you and your family; you shouldn’t have the worry of someone jeopardizing your plans.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. archaeopteryx1 · October 18, 2015

    You see I have been getting people guessing at my identity.” – When I said what I did about you being Pat Robertson, I deliberately chose the one person I was 99.99% sure you were NOT. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to ‘out’ you, just for the feeling of knowing they were right, that’s just malicious.

    My advice would be to make it clear up front that you will not be answering any questions about your identity, and stick with it. Or you could put on some horn-rimmed glasses – “There you are, Clark – have you seen Superman? He was just here a second ago —

    Liked by 4 people

    • adisillusionist · October 18, 2015

      I did not take your comment as a guess. I might already wear glass, you don’t know. Muhahahaha!!!!

      Like

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

        Simply practice saying, “No Comment” – just because Church and State are separated, doesn’t mean you cant emulate a politician.

        Liked by 5 people

      • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

        nice!

        Like

  3. charles · October 18, 2015

    You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are in a difficult position and trying to do what is best.
    People will second guess you. Both now and after you go public. Ignore the noise and do what you think is right.

    Liked by 9 people

    • adisillusionist · October 18, 2015

      I am trying. It sounded easy to do in my head. It may not be as easy as it seemed.

      Liked by 2 people

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

        Nothing difficult is ever easy – and you can quote me!

        Liked by 4 people

  4. fayinfide · October 18, 2015

    I can’t say it any better than the three previous posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. N℮üґ☼N☮☂℮ṧ · October 19, 2015

    I agree with Charles, you don’t owe anyone any explanations, and you made yourself very clear from the first sentence of your first post.

    “I cannot tell you my name, at least not yet; the security of my career, my family, and my life all hinge on my secret.”

    Liked by 4 people

    • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

      True. I have prefaced everything here with that statement and it holds true. It is still tough for me.

      Like

  6. Mason · October 19, 2015

    You in no way should feel “dirty” just as a rape victim shouldn’t. Most all of us we’re bullied and forced into theism as credulous children while being told the lie that we had a choice. You are in recovery. As with many victims we also went on to victimize, (evangelize) others. There’s a lot to unravel. It takes great intellectual courage, time, and patience. Fundamentalism has a dark underbelly and many would take great pride, pleasure, and self righteousness in exposing and hurting you and your family if they could, so continue to be wary and cautious. As a active member of The Clergy Project for several years I can tell you that it’s like being akin to the French Resistance or the Underground Railroad helping active clergy successfully transition out of the delusional life of theism.

    Liked by 6 people

  7. nowamfoundatlast · October 19, 2015

    oh boy. i for one will miss you if you stop.

    Liked by 1 person

    • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

      I do not foresee stopping. I just want everyone to understand when I do not answer or seem evasive in my posts.

      Liked by 1 person

    • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

      Before he even considers stopping, he should realize something most of the rest of us already know – there are “lurkers” out there who might be too timid or too undecided to comment, who gain a great deal from what we say here and on other such blogs. Ask Violet, she can offer first-hand testimony – you never know who you might be influencing for the better.

      Liked by 2 people

      • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

        I do understand that. I remember back in college they taught us that printed coupons for free products might be read and even clipped out with the intention of being used by almost 10% of the people they reach, but the return rate for free coupons back then was only 2-4%. So, I know few people will see my blog, fewer people still will read my thoughts and such. In the end far fewer will actually comment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

        By George, I think he’s got it –!

        Liked by 1 person

      • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

        Well I can figure out somethings myself.

        Like

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

        I know what you mean, I too have my lucid moments.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Shane Fletcher · October 19, 2015

    Commissioner Gordon: come on. Give us a hint.
    Batman: I told you, I can’t
    Commissioner Gordon: Are you Dave in accounting? You sound a bit like Dave in accounting.
    Batman: Look, I can’t keep answering these questions. It puts you, me and people we know in danger.
    Commissioner Gordon: I’ve got it. Terry!
    Batman: Who’s Terry?
    Commissioner Gordon: The guy who sells fish tanks down the markets of a Saturday.
    Batman: … seriously Jim.
    Commissioner Gordon: Ahh, you called me Jim. I do know you, don’t I.
    Batman: You cut this shit out or I swear I’m going to stop answering the Bat Signal™.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Brent · October 19, 2015

    I agree with those who have said: You don’t owe anyone personal details or things that could compromise your identity. You and your family’s well-being are the highest priority at this stage.

    And from my perspective, I would never consider you “dirty” or to lack integrity or whatever else you would want to say, just because you’re protecting your identity and privacy at this stage. I’m happy to follow your journey and for us to be as much help as we can, within those necessary bounds. I think you’re doing this right.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Snowbird of Paradise · October 19, 2015

    I agree with the previous comments entirely. It took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to answer a question just because someone asked it. When I am asked intrusive questions now I ask “Why do you want to know?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

      When I am asked intrusive questions now I ask ‘Why do you want to know?’” – I’ve always been inordinately fond of, “What’s it to ya, Bub?

      Liked by 2 people

  11. kelpie98 · October 19, 2015

    You owe us nothing. We are privileged to join you on this journey. We may even offer advice, even if it does no more than give you something to laugh at.

    As for truth, the truth of your struggle is a gift. You don’t owe anyone truth about any identifying details. Lie to your heart’s content. Please. Tell conflicting lies just to mess with anyone who wants to out you. (Read and reread Pastor No Faiths posts about “TB” if you start to waver.)

    Years ago I read an article by a “good” christian mom who would not let her son lie if a stranger asked if he were home alone. Gag.

    There is nothing dishonest about lying to stay safe.

    Be safe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • adisillusionist · October 19, 2015

      Thanks! I appreciate it. I will probably say nothing rather than out right lie. It is easier for me. But that may change in the future a little. I hope not.

      Like

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 19, 2015

        “To thine own self be true, then it follows, as the night, the day, that thou canst not be false to any man –“

        Liked by 1 person

    • Elizabeth. · October 20, 2015

      Interesting, arch… that advice has been running through my head a lot recently… fun to meet up with it here : )

      Liked by 2 people

      • archaeopteryx1 · October 20, 2015

        Uncle Will was certainly a perceptive student of human behavior – had he born a few centuries later, he could have given Siggy a run for his money..

        Like

  12. Lois Edwards · October 20, 2015

    I so empathize with you. Many years ago, I was teaching at a christian college when I deconverted. I had to stay until I could find another source of income. It took two years and I had to live a lie the entire time. There were people who were very suspicious. One professor told a student not to pay any attention to what I said because I was not a christian. Fortunately, I was never officially challenged. I don’t know what I would have done. Then, after I got away, far, far away, I can’t tell you how many times I had dreams that I had agreed to go back and help out for a semester or a year. In my dreams, I had just arrived back on the campus and I panicked because I realized that I could not stand to be there. It was such a dark, horrible feeling. I hope you don’t have any similar experiences but maybe forewarned is forearmed. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and hope you can find your way out sooner rather than later. Meantime, we are with you.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. losingyourbff · October 20, 2015

    Definitely recognize the struggle. I was very cautious as well, even now I’m out publicly it isn’t totally public as I am using nicknames which are clear to friends, but not for future employers, colleagues or anyone else googling my real name. There is a real advantage in people not finding out all your history by a simple Google search. Also in my own situation I can now be ‘open’ towards friends, new friends, family, etc. but they don’t all like what they read. I have to put quite a few filters in place as well to make sure I am not offending somebody unnecessarily (there are neccesary offending things that have to be said, though).

    Real freedom of expression when you are surrounded by people in different, combating worldviews is just not an option I’m afraid. Unless your goal is to make enemies of one side.

    That aside, in your case I resound with the others to just be careful what you say about something and just ALWAYS respond with ‘no comment’ when asked about any detailed question. Even when it comes to eye glasses :-).

    Liked by 1 person

    • archaeopteryx1 · October 20, 2015

      lybff – I know you were kidding about the glasses, but I think he was safe (if he IS a he –?):

      66 percent of Americans wear glasses according to the Vision Council of America.

      That doesn’t narrow it down much.

      And as for offending, offense, much like beauty, is largely subjective. Personally, I’m an equal opportunity offender -everyone finds me offensive.

      Liked by 1 person

    • adisillusionist · October 20, 2015

      I guess I never thought about the idea that I may never really be able to speak freely without causing strife. That is an ominous thought.

      Like

  14. Daryl Carlson (@itisyourbrain) · October 20, 2015

    Thanks so much for sharing your journey. There is so much we can learn from each other, especially when we don’t agree! I completely understand your need for anonymity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • adisillusionist · October 20, 2015

      I am sure there will be more of the don’t agree crowd coming around sometime.

      Like

      • carmen · October 20, 2015

        “I am sure there will be more of the don’t agree crowd coming around sometime.”

        Well, if they stay as benign as Daryl you won’t have anything to get nervous about. Unfortunately, based on my experience, they don’t. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • adisillusionist · October 20, 2015

        There are good and bad in every crowd.

        Like

  15. pcts4you · October 23, 2015

    I hear you and can relate. This is what living a lie does – it supersaturates your life. I don’t envy your position, but I have been there before. And as comic relief, I imagine that your story will sell quite a few books. You may get rich when you come out. Just sayin’

    Like

    • adisillusionist · October 25, 2015

      I appreciate it. I know a few people have written books on their deconversion, and to my knowledge none of them have made much for their efforts. Now, there are certainly many reasons to write a book and my story might make a good read.

      Like

  16. KIA · October 24, 2015

    pcts4you, (I notice your anonymity also)
    how did you mean that comment? I want to give you the benefit of doubt to think you were trying to be funny and supportive, but it could be taken in a very different way also. and although this brother probably needs no one else to defend him, could you rephrase or explain?
    -KIA

    Like

    • adisillusionist · October 25, 2015

      I don’t think it was meant negatively. I took it as all good.

      Like

      • KIA · October 25, 2015

        I’m sorry to but in then. was worried that it was a sarcastic jab at you. Mea culpa

        Liked by 1 person

      • adisillusionist · October 25, 2015

        no problem. I appreciate you getting my back!

        Like

      • KIA · October 25, 2015

        it’s always been my contention that love among the brethren should be protective, even at the risk of an apologetic fault. sadly, this has not been the experienced case. I’m only too happy to offer protection to a True Brother, not just IN faith, but now OUT of it as well. I believe it is what Jesus would do. -KIA

        Liked by 1 person

  17. makagutu · October 26, 2015

    if someone insists on knowing your name and I hope they are not reading this comment, tell them you are Mak.

    Liked by 1 person

    • adisillusionist · October 26, 2015

      I have refused to answer any guesses to my identity. But thanks for allowing my to point people to you, lol

      Like

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