This blog has become difficult for me, but for a reason I could not foresee. It has actually become tough because people are helpful and my situation is not conducive to some of the help.
I have been posting about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Many people have had good advice and standing by with even better advice based on my situation. People have been so helpful! The problem lies in the fact that I cannot give details about my life on here yet.
You see I have been getting people guessing at my identity. I am sure some are being helpful. They want me to be aware if they can guess who I am then someone who means to out me or feels threatened by me could figure it out. I have not given anyone who has messaged me about my identity any straight answer.
I do not believe I have anything to gain by answering. I really do not want to lie to anyone. I cannot always tell the truth (now or potentially). See if someone has guessed or in the future guesses who I am I could put my family at risk to acknowledge it before my income and plans are in place. If they have guessed or do guess wrong and I say “No, you are wrong” they then know who I am not and have more information about me. If someone continues to guess and eventually guess right at some point and I say “I cannot tell you who I am” it would be pretty apparent they got it right. That is especially true if one person sent several guesses my way and I confirmed they were wrong each time.
So the difficulty for me that I did not foresee is this: I started this as a way for me to start my journey out and have a place to be honest about my feelings and situation, but I find I still cannot be totally honest. It is very tough when someone asks a question in response to one of my posts where I ask for input. I ask for help and people want more details about the situation so they can give me a better answer, and I cannot give them all the details. So, I don’t get a full and complete answer. Also, people must be a bit frustrated when they want to help and cannot because I won’t answer them properly.
I could not expect such an internal conflict about being honest and anonymous at the same time. I am actually neither totally honest or totally anonymous I guess. I would have thought living closeted would have prepared me for this, but it has not fully. It it easier to be in the closet when I know the people I am not telling will be hurt by it or potentially hurt me (emotionally, verbally, and/or physically) because of my change. It is difficult to be somewhat hidden with people who are helpful and potentially friends and long term support for me and my family.
So, I will ask for you to be understanding if I do not answer you completely. I will certainly try to answer anything I can but I must continue to be very cautious. It is actually very difficult for me to do so.
I feel “dirty” and this is the place I am suppose to vent about “feeling dirty” in my every day double life.